Stories of political beliefs ruining friendships and heightening family tensions are increasingly common these days.
At a recent conference at Chico State, attendees were asked if they had lost any relationships due to opposing political opinions, and almost every single person raised their hand.
If you’ve also lost a loved one due to not being able to talk or understand each other, these lessons for cross-cultural communication might be helpful for you, too.
The problem: It’s hard to talk about politics right now
Dr. Kate McCarthy has decades of experience bridging cultural and religious differences.
McCarthy is the Vice Provost of Undergraduate Education and previously a professor in the Department of Comparative Religion. She noted that partisan hostility is higher than ever before. She said it’s mainly due to an increase in “us versus them” thinking. This mindset dehumanizes people who think differently from you and makes working together to solve problems impossible.
McCarthy said there are 6 basic moral values that most people share. They are:
But conservatives and liberals tend to care about some of these values more than others.
Conservatives prioritize loyalty, authority and sanctity, while liberals prioritize care and fairness. The differences make both groups think they’re behaving morally, and drives their decision-making in different directions.
Understanding how these values help form opinions can ease hostility and create a tiny bit of understanding, McCarthy said. You can lean into these values to create common ground.
McCarthy encouraged people to keep the 6 basic moral values in mind while using the following tips when talking with people who have a different viewpoint than you.
Lesson 1: Figure out why you want to talk to people you disagree with
Before sharing her first lesson, McCarthy said that the purpose of dialogue is not agreement, but to recognize the other side’s humanity.
“No participant gives up their identity, but each recognizes enough of the other's valid human claims so that they will act differently toward the other,” McCarthy said.
Talking across cultural differences is not easy, and McCarthy encouraged people to think about why they want to try.
Before attempting dialogue, McCarthy said to ask yourself:
- Is it safe for me to engage, both physically and emotionally?
- Is it likely to be productive?
If you feel the conversation could lead to an unsafe situation, McCarthy recommended not even starting.
“No participant gives up their identity, but each recognizes enough of the other's valid human claims so that they will act differently toward the other.”Dr. Kate McCarthy, Vice Provost of Undergraduate Education and Academic Success at Chico State
In order for dialogue to be productive, McCarthy said it’s important to share a common set of facts. For example, two people who disagree about gun control might both have public safety as the basis for their opinion. That common ground – public safety – can be a starting point for discussion.
Lesson 2: You don’t have to talk to everybody
The second lesson McCarthy shared is that you shouldn’t feel the need to dialogue with everyone who disagrees with you.
She shared a quote from writer Rebecca Solnit to emphasize her point: “Who the hell wants unity with Nazis until and unless they stop being Nazis?”
If it is obvious that dialogue will lead to conflict, or that it would lead nowhere, McCarthy said it’s okay to avoid the interaction.
“I think we do really need to consider who our dialogue partners are before stepping into the breach, mostly because we don't want to waste our time,” McCarthy said.
Opting out is a reasonable response if it seems that the other person is not open to a two-way conversation with shared facts and goals.
“Who the hell wants unity with Nazis until and unless they stop being Nazis?”Rebecca Solnit, writer, historian and activist
Lesson 3: You’re probably not going to change any minds
Having a realistic goal is extremely important when trying to engage in dialogue across the divide. McCarthy warned against starting a conversation expecting to change a person’s mind.
“Take conversion off the table. It's very unlikely to be successful, and it shuts down true conversation,” McCarthy said.
She pointed out that there are thousands of organizations that try to change people’s opinions, with little to no progress. Starting a conversation with realistic expectations can prevent potential flare-ups and lead to better outcomes.
“Dialogue is not a matter of bringing people into the same room, but rather, it's a skill,” McCarthy said.
Lesson 4: Real dialogue is hard and takes strategy
McCarthy said there are dialogue trainings at even the most elite schools, and that it is not something most people do well on their first try.
McCarthy shared the following four strategies to practice when engaging in dialogue:
These strategies help develop understanding and empathy, crucial components of an effective dialogue.
“Everybody gets to be more than one thing,” McCarthy said. “Can we find aspects of our identity that intersect with one another and that require authentic curiosity?”
Lesson 5: Don’t just talk, find something to do
Actions are worth a thousand words. McCarthy said that finding an activity to do together can be more effective than simply talking.
“Interreligious dialogue participants quickly learned that they were not getting anywhere by talking about the relationship between heaven and their God. Not useful,” McCarthy said. “But they found shared values and the values are really simple, and they found a project that advanced those values.”
She gave an example from the Chico Area Interfaith Council in which representatives from multiple religions worked together to build tiny homes for Camp Fire survivors.
These kinds of projects bring people together because they focus on a shared belief — helping those in need — and look past ideological differences, creating common goals and actions.
Lesson 6: Try to extend love to others — and yourself
Throughout the conference, McCarthy was careful to avoid language that might sound religious. However, she did point to a quote from Martin Luther King Jr. that responds to the biblical phrase, “But I tell you, love your enemies.”
“Far from being the pious injunction of a utopian dreamer, this command is an absolute necessity for the survival of our civilization,” Dr. King said. “Yes, it is love that will save our world and our civilization, love even for enemies.”
McCarthy followed this quote with a line from Valerie Kaur, author of “See No Stranger, A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love.” Kaur writes, “I do not owe my opponents my affection, warmth, or regard. But I do owe myself a chance to live in this world without the burden of hate.”
The takeaway: dialogue is possible, but not necessary
McCarthy repeated that these kinds of conversations are not mandatory, not for every person, and not helpful in every instance. She encouraged people who want to try to look for shared values while remaining curious about other points of view. And she ended with one final thought.
“My favorite theologian, Latin American liberation theologian, said love of enemies doesn't mean not having them,” McCarthy said.
“I do not owe my opponents my affection, warmth, or regard. But I do owe myself a chance to live in this world without the burden of hate.”Valerie Kaur, activist, writer and lawyer
In this time of heightened polarization, developing the ability to dialogue despite differences is an increasingly important skill. And in those moments when conversation is challenging, McCarthy said to look for the humanity in the person across from you and remember that you have that in common.
